singing shark swordsman
by Asylumurderess
Summary: While on a C rank mission, Team 7 runs into a shark with a giant ass sword who can't whistle to save his life. Not quite a crack fic but meant to be a quick funny read. rated T for sailor talk. sorry for the crappy summary.


"What the fuck is that?!"

"Be quiet dobe, we can't let _it_ know were here!" Sasuke whispered, looking through the bushes at the... creature walking on the forest path.

"Why did Kakashi sensei have to leave us anyway, he is supposed to be keeping us safe! Nya Sasuke-kun, save me from the creature! Nya marry me!" The Pink Banshee whisper squealed, clinging to Sasuke's arm and giving him perverted looks thoroughly creeping the Uchia out. Not that he would show it, no he was too macho for emotions.

Team 7, or more commonly known as 'Team Less Teamwork than Iwa and Konoah', is currently on their second C rank mission as gennin. The mission was simple enough, walk through the Forrest of Jellybeans and count the number of rare jellybean trees in the forest. (Their current number is 23,456 so I don't see where the _rare_ part comes into play) along the way of their happy mission a creature comes barreling through the woods as if he owns the place. Not knowing how skilled it was they went into hiding behind a bush to come up with a plan of action.

At this moment, while the creature is whistling in a horridly off key voice, we will take the time to describe said creature. He (at least I hope it's a he) is roughly 6' 4", has blue skin, gills, a terrible singing voice, and carries a giant ass sword. Basically it's a singing shark swordsman. Yay.

As we finish with our description of the thing Sasuke takes the opportunity to break the silence

"Hn". Naruto whipped his head around and stared at the Uchia, tears of Joy and Happiness fell down his face in an epic waterfall of sparkles.

"I can't believe this day has finally come! The one and only Uchia has finally started a conversation without first being spoken too! And he broke the silence without a chance to go all 'angsty avenger' on us! Come on Sasuke, we have to take a picture to remember this moment forever!" Naruto said taking out a camera from his weapons pouch as well as a little book named _'Baby's First Adventures'_. He couldn't wait to show Kakashi sensei Sasuke's newest achievement.

* * *

><p>Whistling a tune, Kisame was having a swell day as he looked for a good place to camp.<p>

_Man, life sure is easier without a whack job Uchia with a stick up his ass following you around all the time, eh Samehada? _Samehada hums in agreement, enjoying _alone _time with master.

Itachi Uchia, partner of the now named missing Nin, was enjoying a day at Yaoicon. Yes Itachi can have fun. No matter how surprising it is there have been some rare cases of Uchias dislodging their sticks from their asses.

As we summed up the whereabouts of Itachi, Kisame found a nice clearing in the forest to set up camp. Getting a fire ready, using only branches from his favorite jelly bean 'Buttered Popcorn', the fish sat down and finished the fire. Beautiful yellow flames gave off the scent of freshly made popcorn as we leave our swords man to set up camp in privacy.

* * *

><p>Naruto finished sliding the picture into the book. Behind him Sasuke had an annoyed look on his face, which cross referenced with the Uchia Expression Handbook reads 'one of these days I will fucking murder you'. Fortunately, or unfortunately, this will not be today as they still have a fish to catch.<p>

"Nyaaa Sasuke-kun do you have any ideas on how to get that creature-baka?" Sakura asked, still clutching the Uchias arm who is still masking his fear.

"Dobe is the one with ideas" Sasuke said trying to get the banshee's attention away from him. Sadly for our angsty sidekick she was a very determined fan girl.

"Naruto-baka can't do anything half as good as you can, he is just a burden getting in the way of our love" Sakura gave the air a determined look while circling her arm around Sasuke's waist. Said Teme now feared for his family gewls. They weren't ready to open business and neither was he!

"I know how to defeat the Singing Shark Swordsman!" Naruto exclaimed complex notes spilled around him complete with charts, graphs, and doodles.

"The _what_?" Sasuke asked, looking over some notes.

Naruto gave his teammate a bored look. "You know, the creature. We already went over this in paragraph five. I thought you were supposed to be the rookie of the year?"

"Hn" the Uchia grunted, breaking through the barrier known as the Fourth Dimension to see the author really had mentioned all this in paragraph five. After figuring this out he brought his attention back to the notes at hand. This could possibly be the most ingenious, albeit perverted, plan he had ever seen. As they were only gennin there wasn't much they could do as far as brute strength was concerned. But this, this involved none of that, all that mattered was how stupid the Shark was.

"Sakura" Sasuke shivered as the vermin crept her hands tighter around his middle.

"Yes Sasuke-kun" giggled the banshee giving _her_ Sasuke a 'cute' (read: very scary perverted) smile.

"How good are you at sewing?"

* * *

><p>Dawn arose over the jellybean forest light bouncing off the jellybeans in beautiful array of color. Sadly this array is also known to momentarily (or in extreme cases permanently) blind people as Kisame found out upon waking up. Clutching his now sightless eyes the fish hears a rustling in the nearby. He pulls his sword off and prepares for battle, his vision slowly returning.<p>

* * *

><p>Naruto watched the Swordsman slowly wake up through his sunglasses. He couldn't believe the shark came to this forest without the basic knowledge that jellybeans can blind you. This just proved he was stupid, good now their plan was for sure to work. The blond subconsciously tugged on the end of his new outfit. Sakura chan was a better sewer than he thought, getting all his measurements right when all they had to measure with was jellybean tree sticks. He also couldn't believe Sasuke had a spare outfit in his pouch that gave them the material they needed.<p>

Shifting his attention towards the shark he saw that he was standing up and had his sword out. Smoothing out his new outfit and adjusting his hat Naruto stood up.

"Ok Naruto here we go! Remember that your mission is not to fight him but weaken his defense." the blond pep talked himself as he performed Sexy no Jutsu.

* * *

><p>Hefting his sword up Kisame gets into his stand just as a sexy lady stumbles out of the bushes. Wait, what?! Ok why the hell was there a lady in the middle of the woods, and why is this lady unbelievably <strong>hot <strong>and cosplayed as a shark?

Jaw on the floor the shark was momentarily stunned as Naruto did his best to appeal to the man. Sitting on the ground he couldn't believe his costume was really so good he looked like a real fish to the shark! Seeing that the man was coming to the blond, he put on a pouty face with a few tears.

Finally coming out of his stupor Kisame took the time to examine the lady. She was sitting on her shins with her legs spread apart just enough to show her upper thigh. Wearing a short, tight navy blue dress that showed off her large assets with thigh high white stocking and fingerless gloves. Her shark outfit was complete with a dorsal fin hat sitting between her blond pigtails.

"Mister, please don't hurt me! I'm sorry for intruding on your camp. It-It's just that I lost my way and-and" at this point big blue eyes were overcome with tears and the woman pushed her head into her hands, sobs racking her body.

Kisame, not quite knowing what to do with a crying lady looked nervously around before deciding to help her. Hey, maybe if he was nice enough the woman would give him something in return hehe.

"Hey, it's fine. What are you doing in these woods at this time?" _That's right Kisame, stay cool; just think of cool running water. Wait! Now I have to pee. Ok, ok new thoughts how about... um an abdominal snowman with the attitude of an Uchiha, ya thatll work. _

Rubbing her eyes the girl glanced at Kisame "I was with some friends for an umm fish cosplay, ya a fish cosplay night but I got lost and have been stuck in these woods since last night. This is the first time I've seen anybody elts. Oh, my name is Naruko!" Naruko smirked on the inside _yay this is really working! Sakura chan will be so proud of me after this! I bet she already wants to date me!_

* * *

><p>"I'M GOING TO MURDER HIM!" Sakura screamed watching Naruto and shark man from their vantage point. Sadly she couldn't get her hands around his neck due to Sasuke holding her back. While she would usually be swooning over the Uchiha, the banshee was too pissed at the moment. How could Naruto-baka be sexier than her! This was just unacceptable; a stupid dopy boy should not have the power to make men bleed out of their noses. She should get that power. Yes only she deserved this. Mwhahahaha<p>

Never losing his grip on the crazy pinkett, Sasuke couldn't believe the dobe could look like that. He wasn't interested of course, he had no interest in women, but that shark was obviously aroused. Hmmm if only Itachi liked women he could use this to defeat him. Oh well, there was always the chidori.

* * *

><p>Sitting by the fire I handed Naruko a recently roasted fish. After all she was obviously a shark enthusiast which means she must love fish. My thoughts were proven correct as she smiles prettily and digs (delicately of course) into her meal.<p>

"Wow this is _soo _good Kisame-san" Naruko said using a seductive tone on the 'so'._ I wasn't lying though, the fish is awesome; fox traits don't quite stop at appearance. _Enjoying the fish so much Naruko failed to notice the lustful look given by the shark.

_wow! Naruko looks so hot right now... I wonder if she'll let me kiss her. She seems to like me and it can't hurt to try. Besides she is so fucking sexy. _Kisame starts to lean in towards the blond, finally catching her attention as she slightly leaned fords too.

_We are almost ready for the most important part. _Naruko thought, leaning in towards the shark man. Surprisingly this was not her first kiss or even her second. She knew how to use what she had to get the things she needs and if that included seduction then so be it.

* * *

><p>Sakura looked in disgust as Naruto-baka kissed the shark. She knew it was part of being a kunoichi to learn seduction but for a guy to kiss another like that was just, like, ewww. Even if one thought the other was a girl. Why would Naruto need to do that anyway?<p>

Sasuke paid close attention to Naruto. He had said in his plans that he was going to use the shark's lust against him and that he would give a signal to let them know when to drop in. It was a simple ambush plan but effective for their situation. As the dobe's hands wraped loosely around the swordsman's neck he (she?) made a thumbs up, the signal to start the ambush.

* * *

><p><em>Oh this feels so good. It's been way to long since I've kissed a real person. Her lips are so much softer than steel, and her arms wraped delicately around me. The way her soft body presses agents mine and the pain from the kunai that pierced my back- what, what?! <em>Opening his eyes Kisame sees Naruko pulling away, a devilish smirk on her lips.

"Sorry Kisame- san, but you were in our way and we had to get rid of you as soon as possible. Please don't hate me; well you can if you want. It doesn't really matter" Naruko stood up and sauntered her way over to her team who were right behind Kisame with ninja wire in their hands.

Kisame, too shocked to move, had his hands tied behind his back by Sasuke and Sakura. He couldn't figure what had happened. All he knew was that his Naruko betrayed him. Speaking of which she was standing right in front of him. He was pretty sure she was trying to say something as well so he tuned her in.

"Kisame- san, I have something to tell you!" Naruko pressed her lips agents the fishes ear and whispered "I'm a guy~" and then proceeded to transform into a short snot nosed brat with a shit eating grin.

"wh-wha-what-uummmmmmmm" And then a majority of kisame's brain cells died leading his to unconsciousness

Sasuke looked in disgust at the swordsman, "Let's take him to Kakashi. He might be worth money."

"Speaking of which, where is Kakashi-sensei. Find him sasuke-kun"

Naruto (back to being a guy) slung the fish over his shoulder. "We should start looking for Kakashi, if this fish goes bad I can't give him to Ichiraku to make a new ramen dish."

Sasuke and Banshee looked at Naruto in disgust. How could he think of eating something like that? And say it with such a nonchalant voice? If this was what he considered a normal thought what elts went on in the Baka's mind..? Wait, better not answer that. There was only so much they needed to know about the knucklehead, and what went on through his mind is not one of them.

And so our three heroes proceeded to look for their sensei, mission forgotten as they head for kohona. Jellybeans were glittering during the sunset, blinding many and mentally scaring all.

Omake

Sakura: Kakashi- sensei we found you!

Team 7 runs towards Kakashi with a shark dragging in the ground behind him.

Kakashi: *looks up from porn* Yo, did you finish your mission? *looks back at porn*

Naruto: No but we did capture this guy. *Holds up Kisame*

Kakashi: *Eyes widen* N-Naruto do you realize who that is?

Sakura: OMGOSH Kakashi-sensei is losing his cool!

Naruto: Oh ya, he said his name is Kisame. Why, is he important?

Kakashi: *back to being cool* Yes, he is an S classed missing Nin, one of the 7 swordsmen like Zabuza, and a member of the Akatsuki.

Sasuke: So he is as powerful as my _brother_

Kakashi: yes *insert eye smile*

Sasuke: Yes! *insert extremely happy Uchia Rare Happy Dance TM*

Kakashi: *sweat drops*

Naruto: Come on guys, hey Kakashi sensei does his country need him alive?

Kakashi: No, you just need to prove he's dead.

Naruto: *gives a shit eating grin* so come on, let's go to Ichiraku's ramen so the old man can turn him into delicious ramen, we can send a bowl to the Mizukage!

And so, for the second time in this fan fiction, Team 7 (plus Kakashi) makes their way towards Kohona to eat the ramen special.

* * *

><p>AN: Hi, this is the first funny thing I have written so far, and I actually finished it which is a huge achievement. Let me know what you think just please no flames; all though constructive critism is always welcome. ;) Oh, and let me know what you think the Kisame Special would taste like... yummmmmm… I say that but I'm a vegetarian and that just sounds nasty. Like, super uper disgusting, Like shark, and sweat, and dirty laundry, and just ew.


End file.
